I listen to the hauntingly beautiful Irish DVD quietly at home and my tears flow the first time since the funeral and her passing. For three months I did not shed a single tear and now as I sit down and look at the photos and remember, the floodgate opens and my tears at last flow, but that’s ok because the love is not flowing out or away – it is just my tears for my mother that are flowing and is a part of the healing process. This I know as a life coach is a very important process of emotional cleansing. And so I write a letter to my mother:-
Friday May 4th “It is a typical winters day in Cape Town – very cold early in the morning then warming up later in the day with the winter sunshine”
This would have been the last entry in your diary had you been well enough to write it. For years you had always recorded the weather – well this day I’m doing it for you.
Just before I left your room at 6pm this evening where you lay breathing quietly – I held your hand and said that it was okay if you passed on – I would understand and you did not have to stay around – it was ok to go. I was being so brave, sitting there holding your hand, then I left to go across the road to Spar to get a couple of things for supper and later that evening I was going to pop back to sit with you.
Walking into the shop I saw the bunch of white flowers in a bright yellow wrapping paper and I had a sudden strong impulse to buy them – bright yellow for the sunshine you loved and white for the peace and purity of love – this was my gift to you for Mothers’ day – a week early but so what?
A few minutes later as I walked outside to my car, I glanced up to see the beautiful full moon and soft wispy clouds were floating past – it looked like they were dancing and the moon seemed larger and brighter than usual. I stood transfixed holding the white flowers. Ten minutes later (when Bruce called me from Nerina) I realised it was at that time you were saying goodbye. It was your spirit floating gracefully across the moon – you saw me with the flowers – and you were saying goodbye and I stood and just gazed at this beautiful sight for a good couple of minutes, the full moon illuminating the sky all around. It was just getting dark and I did not feel sad, but happy. You were wrapping me in your arms with so much love as you said goodbye, that I would not feel the pain for three months until now. Now I know it is time to feel and let the sadness go, but not the memories. I keep them forever.
Everyone knew you loved music, dancing, laughing, the beach, swimming, sunshine and Fish Hoek. You were already in “your heaven” right here.
Years ago when I was younger I wanted you to be more like other mothers – plump and staying at home polishing furniture and baking scones, not out gallivanting and being interested in a million other things. Now, years later, this has turned full circle. I see of course how much I am like you. I’d much rather be swimming or rambling in the mountains than staying at home baking scones and polishing furniture!
Mom, you’ll be pleased to know it was the cancer for the third time that got you in the end, not OLD AGE!! You had such a good sense of humour and always liked to laugh and be silly – a wonderful quality. You thoroughly enjoyed your life even while you kept up to date on world affairs. You did not let it affect your daily life or your peace of mind. You were able to remove yourself from it. I thought it was because you were not caring enough but no, it was because you were strong enough NOT to let it upset or affect your enjoyment of life – an amazing quality which you carried through to the very end! You always stayed calm and did things quietly and just got on with it.
The day after you died, a hushed message went around Nerina “a lovely lady died last night”. Yes indeed – that was my mom.
Mom – thank you for being my mother for 55 years. I know you are still around in spirit and one day we shall meet again.